The Whole Bolivian Army
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DEAR MR. BIG ...sucking up to the PTB

Matt needs help.
Mary Beth Kite, The Whole Bolivian Army, smiles as she chokes the guitar player.
kiss...

Dear Mr. Big,

We are writing to you on behalf of our band, The Whole Bolivian Army. We would like a record contract from your fancy label. If you sign on the dotted line with us, you'll make a lot of people happy, including our beloved cats, our sassy but tender dental hygienist, and two shed boyz (nice, but a little gamy) we met the other day on F Street in uptown Port Townsend, Washington.

The Whole Bolivian Army slacks off...Speaking of our dental hygienist, she is handy with sharp objects and also quite clever. She has volunteered to be our promotional agent. So if possible, we would like you to sign us to a big, phat record contract, plus hire her on as the first member of our staff. She wants to move back to Seattle, where she will require an assistant, a super tall mocha with whip cream and a shot of whiskey every morning, plus a corner office with a view of the Space Needle or solid waste utility headquarters, whichever is more convenient.

For our part, we would simply like a record contract. We know you will make us famous. And you know that will make a lot of people (including our cats) happy.

Yours in Rock,

The Whole Bolivian Army

~|~

Hello Mr. Big.

The Whole Bolivian Army (Australian rules...)We were surprised to not hear back from you after our recent letter. Even stranger was how unfamiliar with our band and our music your secretary sounded when we called her at her home. Please apologize to her for the wakeup call. We didn't realize London is in a different time zone. But do let her know the only reason we called her at her home was because she keeps shuttling us into some sort of eternal-hold netherworld whenever we call your office.

All we really want to do is talk to you. You hold the keys to our musical future, and we look forward to a mutually prosperous relationship.

Rock 5!

The Whole Bolivian Army

~|~

Salutations, Mr. Big.

We can't help thinking that perhaps something terrible has happened to you. Have you been beamed aboard the mothership or called to jury duty? Please contact us at your earliest convenience. Rock and roll is an impatient mistress.

Still waiting to conquer the world (with your help),

The Whole Bolivian Army

~|~

Mr. Big,

We would like to give you one last chance to partner with the greatest band since the dinosaurs roamed the earth (a long time ago).

Curtly,

The Whole Bolivian Army

~|~

Hey Mr. Big,

Mary Beth Kite, TWBAIt's time we tell you what you can do with that record contract of yours. But not in a letter. Please meet us tonight at the Taylor (or is it Tyler?) Street Fountain, say around midnight. We will be the ones wearing all black and holding a gas-powered hedge trimmer. You're welcome to invite your staff and your legal team to accompany you. Please ask them to bring extra enema kits. You can deduct the expenses from our meager advance.

Ready to go indie,

The Whole Bolivian Army

Mary Beth Kite, The Whole Bolivian Army.
Photos by Scott Ross.
MB.
Mary Beth Kite, The Whole Bolivian Army.
PHOTOS BY SCOTT ROSS